Thinking...

Lately I have been feeling sad. I just put it together that one year ago we had found out about Malachi's heart condition. We had met with a Cardiologist and we were awaiting what would become one of the hardest tests we would ever face. Looking back I realize how completely unaware I was. I had made up in my mind that we would spend just two weeks in the hospital and go home with Malachi's heart repaired, and not have to go back to Pittsburgh until his next surgery, or for an appointment. Little did I know what truly was instore. I still can't believe we have actually been released from the hospital and that Malachi is doing really well. Every time that Malachi has had an appointment, I have half expected to hear that he needed to be admitted. (I guess it became the norm.)

I have struggled a lot lately with what the future might hold. It honestly scares me to think what could lie ahead, but thankfully I am so blessed with a husband that reminds me that we can't go there. We must live everyday as is, and not stress over what could possibly happen.

I will admit that I peek in on Malachi all the time when he sleeps. (I still love to take in the fact that he is home and in his own bed.) His smile is such a precious thing, his babble makes me laugh, and his obvious love for Philip and I is overwhelming! I never knew being a Mother would be so rewarding! I love every minute I get to spend with our little man.

The other day Malachi was playing on the floor and I got down next to him and started kissing him. He just laid there and let me kiss him over and over. I was reminded of something my Mom had said to me when Malachi was under his "nitrogen tent" in the hospital and we couldn't kiss his face... she said that the Lord would redeem the time someday. Well, I thanked Him so much for letting me have that time back to kiss my little man's face over and over.

I have also realized that we will never have a normal life ever again. There will always be hospital and doctor visits. Malachi will always need to have Echos and EKGs, but thankfully they won't be all the time. Things will always be uncertain and unknown, but out great God will NEVER BE uncertain and unknown. He HAS, and IS holding our lives in His hands. I saw this really neat testimony on television today (I'll spare you the details), but it was this amazing story about this woman who the Lord healed of this debilitating illness. She said that it wasn't until she got her eyes off of the healing and put them on the Healer, that she began to see the Lord work in her life. I want that. I want my eyes on the Healer. I want to be a testimony of His Grace. I want Malachi's life to be completely covered with the fingerprints of God. I want others to not see the Prestons, but the Lord Jesus Christ. I want to disappear and let Christ appear. I don't want to question what the Lord is doing, I want to take part in it. I want to leave a legacy for my son to see how the Lord worked in and through our family. I want more of what the Lord has for us.